First love, these words do not form a mere combination of a few letters, but an, in fact, an emotion, and many memories, some unforgettable experiences and not to forget those heights of imagination of being with him that you are constantly unconsciously building.
First love is indeed an imperfect state. And I’m sure that it’s the same for all. You are always naïve, unprecedented and untouched. And when that first wave hits you, I must say, it hits you hard. It hits you so hard that trust me, you lose all your senses no matter how cognizant you are. You are bound to lose upon those overpowering emotions.
When I saw him the first, maybe I never even noticed that he was there, or he even existed. I never looked upon anyone in my college. I just wanted to stay in my solitude, in my own world. The world was full of ‘me.’ Not because I was obsessed with myself or I loved myself to extent that I don’t need anybody but because I couldn’t allow anyone to enter that space. This was not because II didn’t find anybody capable of entering my world but because nobody ever entered, nobody tried, nobody retaliated. So, I was all alone! With myself. It was my world! And I am not the only person in the world with these tendencies. There are many people like me at every corner. Luckily, I got one in my college, Priyanka Rani. She wasn’t my soul mate for sure. But we were together because we were akin to each other. People like us do not to fight each other much because we don’t have much to talk about. We have hearts and a lot in it, but our heart’s connection with our mouth is kind of tottering. Thus Priyanka Rani was my forever friend, forever for those 4 years.
But Priyanka Rani left me one day. When like always, after classes we were sitting in the library reading for our internal the next day, she suddenly got a call from somewhere and she had to leave. I had to sit alone in the library. I became anxious, had tendencies to leave for home to somehow gathered insight to get over it in order to complete my task. I was deep down into my AutoCAD book and raised to have my pen to mark the important word. And there was this guy in front of me. I got alerted. My eyes met with his. I wanted to take my eyes away; but also expected him to do so as it was just an ‘eye contact’ that could happen with any other person. But it was a few seconds now he didn’t take his eyes off and I got restless by this time. I started looking here and there and broke that sequence. I saw that all other seats were occupied and now I felt a little stable. I liked him. Deep inside I wanted it to be not just any other eye contact but I had to presume it to be.
The next day was the internal’s day. As soon as the questions were given I indulged in them and was drowned in my notebook. Someone knocked on me from behind. I looked back in anxiety and it was ‘him.’ I always would have wanted it to be him but this wasn’t even a quick thought at that moment. He asked me for the answer and I gave it him as quick as I could without a reaction. I didn’t even had the guts to deny anybody for anything. I could not write the rest of my paper now. Anxiety hit me hard this time; it came into action and ruined my exam. I was anxious and disheartened too. While moving out of the room, he jumped in front of me and said “thank you!” my mind was much distorted by this time by my own self, I wanted to bash him, but couldn’t. I had the feeling that it wasn’t his mistake, but it was! All these thoughts swung into my head and I didn’t know to react. Neither was I in a good mood to react merrily nor could I blame him. What could I do? I stretched my lips to one side of my face with lots of anger in my eyes and went away. I was thinking about it for the rest of the day. I wanted to hit myself on the head for being so stupid and weird. What would he be thinking? Will he come across me again? Is it the end? Why did this ever happen? Thoughts became so irritating by midnight. It was 3 a.m. I wanted to stop thinking. Just wanted to hit my head hard and never to think again. I questioned the whole cosmos of human life. Why could we just not think? Probably something god should not have made. I lost upon myself and finally ate those sleeping pills at 4 a.m. which were not recommended generally but in an emergency.
Eventually, and obviously, I woke up at 12 p.m. the next day. The clock already pissed me off. I didn’t intend to miss my lecture. I slept again to avoid all those thoughts. I cut myself off from mobile and other social interactions. My mind was better today I tried not to think at all. Not to think about what happened, what happens, and what will happen. I was better now.
I went to college the next day. Things around were usual. My eyes were unwillingly searching for him. I wanted to if he looks at me again. I couldn’t see him. I made no other physical efforts other than turning my head or eyeballs but indeed, my mind was traveling to different places. Priyanka Rani came to sit next to me as usual. She asked, “Where were you, I was trying to call you yesterday.”” It was just to relax” I said. I went on to ask her about what happened in the class the other day. I was expecting her to give me the details of the lecture but, what she said was something unexpected. She said, “Do you know about that guy in our class, Sohail, he had a brutal accident while on his way home” and I was shocked to another level. She went on saying but things blurred for me. Was it my mistake? My reaction? How could it be? My heart cried like anything. I wanted to reverse my actions and the situation. Why did I ever meet him? Did I love him? How can he do this? Where is he? Please come to me! Forgive me! Let’s talk! Let’s be friends! And on the other side, was it ever possible? Am I that important? My brain was storming questions upon me more than the dust particles that hit us in an actual storm. “No more mental struggle now,” I said to myself. It already cost me a day of unknowingness. I had to come out of this shell now. I had to do something. I looked around. Everyone was busy in themselves. My eyes were seeking some sort of help which they codified in themselves. How could everybody behave so normally! Why aren’t they talking about it? Why aren’t they doing anything? The first time my life, I hated everything for being normal.
Eventually, I figured out a group of boys in the class, who usually accompanied him. I went to them; it felt like my anxiety was gone forever. I asked them about him, they said that he’s come home now and he’s better. Listening to this, I got back to my senses. I could sense the awkwardness of the situation now standing with those boys but I ignored and asked them about his address. They told me that they’d be visiting him after college and I could accompany them. This was a sigh of relief. That something again poked me in my head, but I was empowered enough to ignore it this time. Questions came again but were discarded at once. We reached his home. The sight was something unexpected. It was not a house but a mansion. I didn’t think much about it. Just wanted to have a glimpse of him and run away, nothing else. I wasn’t far though. He was laying there on his King size bed with bandages on most of the parts of his body. I felt like crying but had a hopeful insight that he’d recover soon.
He wasn’t shocked to see me, which was shocking and somewhere relaxing for me. I didn’t feel awkward, weird or anxious for a moment. He greeted me like he knew me forever. He told me to stay even after everybody went away. We talked for another 2 hours. I came across his life, his lifestyle and his desires. He was an icon in the Digital Market business, which he managed alongside the college all on his own. I was much impressed by his ideologies and philosophies about his life and work. We talked more about his work. He told me about its peculiarities and suggested that it’s open for all and even I could do that anytime. The fact that he did all that on his own at such an age inspired me a lot. Something I couldn’t think of on my own. I loved his company. I left for my place after 2 hours with a warm goodbye and hope to have such hours again in my life. I feared somewhere in the corner of my brain that I’d think about this for the whole day. But, my energies were somewhere derived to another platform. As soon as I reached home, I searched about the things he told me about and there was this whole new kind of current in my body to learn more about it. And there my journey began! After a couple of months, I started off as an entrepreneur. After many ups and downs eventually, I became a successful one. And this is how my love made me who I am! We still talk, we love to talk to each other. We are not friends, and not even lovers, still we are there for each other. We are not in a bond that could end with a storyline!
